New Plan

I think part of me has given up now, I'm sick of putting a smile on my face everyday pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I'm pathetic, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm sorry for being such a downer when most of you seem to be doing so well.

Anyway, I have a new plan. I got this idea from somebody else's blog and if I remember which one I will make sure I mention their blog name or create a link to it or if you read this and realise it is you just let me know  :)
On Monday 22 March I am going to start a new ABC diet but am going to do a higher calorie version. Instead of the original plan I am simply going to add 300 calories every single day. I will post what this will look like nearer the time and when I have a moment to do it. I just seem to be really busy this week catching up on work I should have done ages ago.  :/

I will try and weigh myself some time this week as well, unless I break the scales with my ridiculously obese body.

Stay strong, Hope everyone is okay   xx

Changes To Blog Layout

Hi again. Really can't sleep at the moment so I have decided to change the layout of my blog and add a few things  :)     I have been meaning to do it for ages but haven't really found the time.

So far I have changed the "skin" of my blog, added a picture at the top and created a new page for thinspo picture which can be found at the top of my blog. I have added some pictures so far but keep checking back over the next few days and I will try and add some more  :)

Hope everyone is doing okay  x

Sorry For Such A Depressing Post

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while. Again.

Sometimes I find it so hard to write about the way I am feeling and what I have been doing. This week has been one of the most difficult and complicated of my life.
I don't think I have written this on here before but basically last year I found out some things about my family and it hurt me so much mentally. Yes, I probably made a bigger deal out of it than what it was, but for me I felt completely let down and didn't know how to cope. This plus everything else that I let build up inside me left me feeling lost, angry and so isolated from everyone else around me.
I looked in the mirror and felt physically repulsed. I went to sleep at night hoping that I wouldn't wake up again in the morning. When I did I wished I hadn't and didn't want to get out of bed and face the world.
For me getting up every morning and living my life like nothing was wrong and acting as if I wasn't hurting and struggling to cope inside was the biggest struggle of all. I thought about ending things several times although never attempted it. I found the emotions of that so hard to deal with and felt guilty about it.

This went on for about six months before I finally told somebody, my best friend. I don't think she understood, I don't blame her for that, it was my fault for telling her and I feel awful for dumping something like that on her. I'm not sure how much she understood of what I was trying to tell her we never really spoke about it after that. I told a couple of other people at the beginning of this year but was hurt by one persons reaction and struggled to deal with it.

The feelings I had from last year slowly started to come back and built up and built up and I finally cracked Monday night. I had an argument with mum and went upstairs and sat against my door and just cried so hard. I considered hanging myself with a belt I had. I don't know if it would have worked but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just kept thinking about what would happen when somebody found me, I couldn't do that to them. Instead I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and started cutting at my fingers. I only made a small cut on my thumb but I felt calmer and just slept after that. The feelings I had Monday night carried themselves into Tuesday and I completely broke down at school in front of everybody. Looking back I am so embarrassed, god knows what all the teachers must think of me, but they all seemed to dismiss me, it was like none of them cared. All I wanted was for someone to take me to another room and help me make sense of everything, I think deep down that is all I have ever wanted when I have told people.
Since then I have started cutting myself almost every night. Some of you may do it yourselves and understand and some of you may not and probably think I am attention seeking or something. But it helps me, although you should all know that I am not proud of this, I just feel like it is the only way I can carry on my life every day. They're not deep cuts but it helps me deal with my feelings and in a way I guess it serves as a punishment for how selfish I am being.


Sorry for such a depressing post. I guess I am just trying to get somebody to understand me more  :/  I don't know any more.

Anyway it is my birthday soon, I really can't be bothered to celebrate it, I hate my birthday so much. But I have decided the Monday after my birthday, which is the 22nd March I think,  I am going to start dieting properly again. It makes more sense to be after my birthday as we are going out for meals and that. I am thinking of doing the ABC again but might change the calorie restrictions so they are a bit higher. I will try and post again tomorrow and tell you more about it because I think this post is long enough as it is. Sorry again.

Stay strong   x

Downhill again

I haven't posted in a few days but to sum it up quickly. Friday was good and I completely stuck to my plan, and then the weekend happened...

I really do not know what it is with the weekend and why I always fail then. I was good throughout the most of Saturday despite eating more than I should have but I didn't binge until late in the evening. I had been babysitting and knew I should have just gone straight to bed but I didn't and I didn't eat as much as I normally would when I binged but add that to the food I had already consumed and the results were disastrous. Today was very similar but the binge was at the beginning of the day instead not that that makes much difference to be honest.

Now I have weighed myself every morning since Monday so far and kept track of it, this is the weight I lost:

Monday - 128.4 (Start weight)

Tuesday - 127.6

Wednesday - 126.6

Thursday - 125.4

Friday - 124.2

Saturday - 124.2

Sunday - 125.6

As you can see by my results the binge from Saturday shows, just as I am sure it will when I weigh myself tomorrow morning. I am slightly disappointed with myself over that weight gain despite losing a total of 2.8 pounds. Hopefully I will loose just as much this week as well.

Tomorrow I plan to start where I started to go downhill at 1100 calories decreasing the number by 50 calories each day. As long as everything goes to plan and I don't have to redo a day by Sunday I should be at 800 calories. I have decided though that if I go over the limit of a certain day I am to redo that day until I get it right. I am feeling positive about tomorrow and will keep those who take the time to read my blog updated.

Hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong x

In A Rush

I wanted an early night again tonight but got caught up doing all the things I needed to do such as revision for my exam later this month and catching up on everybody's blogs. I love reading them to see how everybody is doing and although I don't tend to comment I find it really comforting to know that there are other people that know what I am going through and understand. I will try to make an effort to comment when I am not so busy though.

I met my target of 1150 calories again today and stayed at 1120. Also whilst I haven't been going to the gym much recently, this week I have started doing exercise in my bedroom. Not much mind you but I am getting there and still losing weight. I hope to have lost some more tomorrow :) I haven't really found decreasing my food intake that difficult, I know that it could be due to the steady decrease in daily calories but I really haven't felt much like eating and would have stayed at around 500 calories today if I hadn't have started shaking so much. I think it has something to do with all of the stress from my exams.

I will try and keep everyone updated, hope everyone is well :)

Stay strong x

Things Are Looking Up

Woo! I finally got my calorie intake under 1200. It was close at 1150 but at least I did it :) Tomorrow I plan to 1150 as the maximum amount! I have decided to decrease it by 50 calories each day until I get to 800 calories a day now. Hopefully that way I shouldn't feel as deprived! I believe things are starting to look up now :)

I have weighed myself every day so far since Monday and plan to do so until the end of the week (Sunday). I have written all of the weights down and can say that I am loosing weight each day so far and will reveal the end weights at the end of the week when I shall re-evaluate my goals.

The exams from the past couple of days have left me feeling very stressed out and I haven't really thought about food that much today. However, I don't have any more now for about another three weeks luckily. Although, school photos are tomorrow :( I look awful and absolutely hate having my photo taken, especially school ones!

Stay strong x

Exam Stress

Really quick post tonight. I have another exam tomorrow and this one is first thing in the morning so should have really got an early night but I lost track of time catching up on everybody's blogs. :)

Anyway as promised I went to the gym for the first time in ages today. It felt really good but I couldn't stay long as I had so much revision to do. I stayed at 1486 calories today which was still over what I had planned but is also an improvement on yesterdays 1650. Tomorrow I plan to do 1200 again but I hope to be able to stick to it this time.

Best be off now. Grr I hate exams, they are so stressful.

Stay strong x

FAT.

Firstly I would like to apologise for my previous post :/ I was feeling utterly awful and probably shouldn't have said anything at all...

However, that is in the past now. Today is the start of a new week and month so I thought what better day to start over. Admittedly today didn't go according to plan but it never does these days. I was in a crap mood the moment I weighed myself... 128.4 :O

I knew I had put on weight but that is more than what I weighed at the beginning of the year. My birthday is now in less than three weeks and I don't want to be fat on my birthday. I was planning to stay under 1200 calories today but like I said my plan sort of went out of the window. I ate 1650 calories in the end which I know is loads but looking on the bright side I didn't have a major binge or breakdown and it is much better than what I have had in previous weeks.

Tomorrow I plan to stay under 1200 and I am finally hitting the gym again. I know anyone that reads my blog probably thinks 'Yeah right she always says that' but I will genuinely go tomorrow unless I get hit by a bus or something. :/

I also have a maths exam tomorrow which I am completely dreading and a biology one on Wednesday which I will be busy revising for tomorrow night. Going to fail without a doubt!

Anyway bed time I think, Stay strong and keep up the hard work x

Depression?

Well as you probably guessed the detox hasn't been working out that well for me.

I don't know what is wrong with me the past few days. Last year is happening all over again. I hate myself. When I look into the mirror I feel physically sick. I want to cry. I promised myself I wouldn't get like this again. I have cried myself to sleep all week. Sometimes I just want somebody to notice and help me. I can't go on like this any more. I don't want to be here but I know I wouldn't have the guts to do anything to myself. I think I have depression. I know when some people read this they may think I am exaggerating and being a drama queen but I thought I had it last year as well, I was just too scared to get help. Looking back over the last 18 months the only time I have been anywhere near truly happy is when I am starving myself.

And that is what I intend to start doing again, starting tomorrow. I will limit myself to 500 calories and start doing some more exercise. I need to start weighing myself again, I have been too scared recently as every time I seem to weigh myself it goes up.

Oh what I would give to be normal... but then again what is normal?!

Sorry for such a depressing post, Hope everyone is well, Stay strong x

Peanut Butter

Today was fairly good! I didn't find myself binging on anything and stuck to all of the guidelines of the detox, should have drank more water though, I have such a headache. I have read all of your blogs for a while and have noticed how several of you always say that peanut butter is your downfall but personally I have never liked the sound of it... Until today. Mum suggested I should try it and I didn't even like it at first but now I do and I kept eating it :/ Until I looked to see how many calories was in it that was! Think I am going to lay off the peanut butter for the near future.

Anyway didn't make it to the gym today, but am definitely going tomorrow before I go food shopping with mum.

Stay strong x

Detox

Okay so I keep going over on my original plan so it clearly isn't working and I fear that I may have put even more weight on :O I am going to start fresh tomorrow and instead of starting it on a Friday I thought it would make more sense to do it on a Monday at the beginning of the week. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning before I go to school and have decided that this week 22 Feb - 28 Feb) I will not count calories. I think this may be part of my downfall. However, fear not I am not going to just eat what I want to, there will still be limits. My mum was doing a two day detox over the weekend and I have decided that I am going to do it this week. It states that you can not eat any of the following;

• Coffee, tea or other caffeine drinks (including decaffeinated drinks)
• Dairy products
• Sugar, cakes, biscuits, confectionery
• Meat and fish
• Eggs
• Wheat bread, pasta, noodles, crackers
• White rice
• Ready meals
• Salt
• Alcohol
• Artificial food additives and sweeteners
• Fried foods
• Hydrogenated fats
• Fizzy drinks, squashes and cordials

Which means I can only really eat fruits and vegetables anyway. I think mum might be a bit funny with me when she finds out I am doing it for a week but some people never eat the above foods anyway. I am hoping that the detox will completely cleanse my system and stop me from craving foods that are so bad for you. I am also going to the gym tomorrow for the first time in over a week providing it doesn't snow too much. I'm quite looking forward to it.

Stay strong x

Quick Update

Today was an okay day. I'm not going to lie, I did go over the planned 800 calories but I am not going to panic or get annoyed over it. Obviously I would have liked to have done really well but if I beat myself up over it I will just end up eating even more food.

I weighed myself this morning as promised and am now 124.4lbs :/ I wanted to cry when I found out. But then I realised it was me that got myself to that weight so it must be me that loses it and I realise that it won't happen overnight as well. I am in for the long haul this time :)

By the end of the two weeks that I stated in the previous post (4 March) I would like to be at 120lbs. This seemed like a reasonable goal when I was thinking about it earlier and is just over 2lbs per week which I think I can do providing I exercise and stick to the plan!

Anyway it is really late here, or early... it depends how you look at it I suppose. And now I am rambling so I am off to bed.

Stay strong x

It's Been A While...

I know I haven't posted in a while and I would love to have a good reason for it, just as I would love to have a good reason for the vast amounts of food I have been eating recently. If I am honest I think the more food that I ate the easier it was for me to justify blocking out my feelings with eating more food. However, I went to a party Tuesday night and got a bit tipsy and it would take me ages to explain why I am motivated to lose weight again but basically I felt awful. I looked awful. Ugh I feel so disgusting and have put all that weight back on. I could sit here and cry all day about what I look like but I don't want to mope around feeling sorry for myself. I mean that wouldn't get the weight back off would it?!

Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to try and forget everything that I have eaten recently and try not to mention it again. I completely want a fresh start. I am going to weigh myself and record all of my measurements. I am not going to attempt any really low calorie diets such as the ABC or 2468 until after my birthday in March. Instead for this week until next Thursday (19 Feb - 25 Feb) I will stay under 800 calories but will be able to "bank" the calories, this means that any calories that I do not eat I will keep a note of them and if I go over I will just take it off the banked calories. I am hoping that this will prevent any binging. The week after (26 Feb - 4 Mar) will be similar, the limit will again be 800 calories, however this time I will not be banking calories.

I also need to start doing more exercise again. I am going to start going back to the gym and will try to go at least twice a week, however, sometimes this can be hard due to unforeseen weather conditions, such as the deep snow we have received over the past 24 hours, and exam revision. If I am unable to go to the gym at least twice a week I must do my fitness DVD in order to compensate for this.

I have not set any hard to achieve goals so it shouldn't be too hard to stick to the above. Tomorrow after I have weighed myself and written down my measurements I will think of some goals and maybe even rewards for when I have reached those goals as I have seen it mentioned on other blogs I have been reading and it seems to be working quite well for them.

I hope all is well for everybody, Stay strong x

2468 - Day 1 = Successful

Okay, well today went much better than expected, maybe I need to start believing in myself more and stop setting myself up to fail before I have even begun. The target was 800 calories which seemed like a lot compared to what I was eating before the binging but I thought I should start with the higher calories days and work my way down.

I managed to stay at 734 calories today, which wasn't as good as it could have been but at least I didn't go over for once!! I ate;

• Freddo - 95 kcal
• Milky Way - 98 kcal
• 6 Dark Ryvita - 186 kcal
• 2 Cheese Spread - 58 kcal
• 3 Butter Mints - 105 kcal
• 50g Chicken Breast - 80 kcal
• 16 Mini Breadsticks - 112 kcal

When I write it out like that it seems to be so much food, and I definitely need to start eating more fruit and vegetables. I think that should keep my calorie count down.

Tomorrow is the 600 calorie day which like today I think should be quite easy and I will try and weigh myself tomorrow morning before school. I only have tomorrow and the day after before I should be at 120lbs. I know I can do it if I put the effort in.

Stay strong x

New Start And New Goals

So I weighed myself this morning! It was just as I thought it would be, awful! I have gained every ounce of the weight I lost and put it all back on and have now gone back to 122.4lbs.

I refuse to stay like this for long though. Today (It is 01:00 in the morning here) is a new start. I am going to try and forget the binging and the excessive weight gain and start over completely. I am still doing the 2468 diet with today being the 800 calorie day. I can't plan many of my meals at the moment seeing as mum always cooks and expects me to eat it. However, I have a feeling I may be pressured to eat things by other people as to not raise any suspicions so if everything goes to plan I will have;

• Brown rice - 120kcals
• Chilli Sauce - 60kcals?
• Quavers - 87kcals
• Mullerlight yoghurt - 97kcals
• 3 Dark ryvita - 93kcals
• Cheese spread - 29kcals?

This is what I think I will have tomorrow, I can't be sure as I don't know if I will be made to eat anything else but if I am I have allowed for that as the above comes to a total of approximately 486kcals. This might be slightly different - I am unsure of the calorie content of two of the above as I can't remember them off of the top of my head but put a question mark next to them in case it is wrong!

I am also going to the gym tomorrow, for the first time in about a week so that should be good and I will be able to burn off some calories whilst I am there. I need to start getting back into the gym. Is it any wonder I have put on so much weight!!

Oh before I forget my goal weights - I have decided to set a date for the weight I want to be by that particular time and am going down in two's so it is smaller and I don't feel like I am failing by being so far off of each goal. I have only done 10lbs worth for now but it is as follows;

• Current weight - 122.4
• 120 - 10/02/2010
• 118 - 14/02/2010
• 116 - 19/02/2010
• 114 - 25/02/2010
• 112 - 05/03/2010

I will let you know as I reach each goal :)

Anyway I am off to bed now, Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, I am really tired and have to be up by 7 for school :/ Oops

Stay strong x

Fresh Start :)

Well as promised I came up with a new plan today! Originally I was going to just set my own calorie restrictions but then I remembered the 2468 diet and thought I should give that a try! I thought it would be much easier for me to stick to than the ABC diet was as the calorie restrictions are not as low on most days unlike the ABC and I thought I would be less likely to binge as well

So after two weeks of on off binging and restricting I decided on my next plan :) This plan will start on Monday. I will weigh myself Sunday morning and write all of my measurements down before I eat or do anything else. I am going to make sure I do part of my exercise DVD as well and will then keep myself busy throughout the week by doing all my school work that needs to be done before half term! I have decided to start on Monday with 800 calories -- I thought it would be best to ease myself into it after all the food I have eaten recently. The week ahead goes as follows:

• Monday 8 - 800
• Tuesday 9 - 600
• Wednesday 10 - 400
• Thursday 11 - 200
• Friday 12 - 400
• Saturday 13 - 600
• Sunday - 800

I think it should be easy to stick to and the lower calorie days are during the week which is much easier to do because the family doesn't see what I eat throughout the day so I can usually make it up :) Although we do break up for half term on Thursday so that should be interesting :/ Hopefully mum is working during our week off so she shouldn't be on at me all the time!

Anyway I will post current weight and goal weights tomorrow evening after what should have been a successful day! :D

Stay strong x

Can't Think Of A Title :/

I couldn't fast today, I didn't have the strength. Although what I did eat was a vast improvement on what it has been lately. This is what I had today:

• Mullerlight toffee yoghurt - 97 kcals
• Tesco light choices vegetable cup a soup - 63 kcals
• Tesco light choices vegetable cup a soup - 63 kcals
• Sugar free strawberry jelly - 32 kcals

I know that I went 5 calories over the limit I said I would but I have literally only just realised. Clearly I am not very good at adding up so I will just take 5 calories off of the maximum for tomorrow leaving me with 495 calories! Hopefully I will be able to stick to it! Friday is going to be a complete fail no matter what so I have decided not to have a calorie restriction as I don't want to feel like I have failed and have a major binge like the last few times. I will simply start restricting again on Saturday.

Unfortunately I couldn't weigh myself this morning either, got up too late for school and Mum gets funny if she sees me take the scales to weigh myself so I am going to weigh myself in a minute and then again in the morning and will post the results tomorrow night.

Stay strong x x

No Posts - Excessive Binges

I haven't posted anything in a while and if I am honest it is because I am ashamed to tell you all how much I have actually been eating. I feel like the moment I start doing well I subconsciously start to think that it doesn't matter if I eat. But I am wrong, it DOES matter. I am too scared to weigh myself. I have eaten so much in the last week that I wouldn't be surprised if I had put 20 pounds on. Such a failure.

I felt really ill today so didn't go to school but wish I had. When I am at home all I do is eat and eat and eat some more. I need to put a stop to it. Tomorrow will be different. I will make sure of it. I have a party to go to on Friday and I sure as hell can't go looking like I do now.

I am going to try and fast tomorrow but if I have to eat something I will have no more than 250 calories. On Thursday I will have no more than 500 calories. Friday I think I may have to eat but I will try and stay under 1000 calories. On Saturday I will plan out different calorie restrictions for different days. I have decided to leave the ABC diet until after my birthday in March because I always seem to binge on the third day so ABC will start again on April 1st unless I have worked something else out by then.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and will post the damage I have done later that day :/ I will then post appropriate goal weights for certain days seeing as I failed January!

I hope everybody else is doing well, Stay strong x x

ABC 2 - Day Two

I am quite pleased with today, I managed to stay under 500 calories (just), it was approximately 498 calories but I was unable to count the calories precisely today as I was pressured to eat chips at lunch and didn't want to cause problems by saying no. I know that is no excuse though, but I didn't eat many and used my highest estimate of calorific content of what I thought it could have been. This is what I ate today:

• 1/4 tray (12) chips - 150 kcal
• Brown rice - 120 kcal
• Chilli sauce - 44 kcal
• Sugar free jelly - 32 kcal
• Caramel snack a jack - 51 kcal
• 45g brown bread - 95 kcal

Tomorrow is the 300 calorie day which should be okay, I just need to plan dinner ahead so I can think up my excuses and know what to or what not to eat throughout the rest of the day. Thinking about it now I think I will skip food all day and then just have dinner so it looks like I am eating more than I am. Might stop Mum moaning for a bit hopefully :)

I also have a major problem with next Fridays calorie restriction. I am meant to have the first fast in the fifty days of ABC. However, we have a party that night and I am getting ready round a friends house with others and they want to drink and eat pizza and chips. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get out of that one. I might have to switch the days around or something like that otherwise I am going to fail without a doubt :/

Stay strong x

ABC 2 - Day One

Well I didn't start the ABC diet at the weekend again as I said I would, I binged instead :O

I was disgusted with my fat self. But have gained the control back and am pleased to say I stuck to it completely and consumed 291 calories. I had:

• Brown Rice - 120 kcal
• Chilli sauce - 40 kcal
• 12 grapes - 25 kcal
• 10g cheese - 42 kcal
• Clementine - 56 kcal
• 50g cucumber - 8 kcal

Tomorrow is another 500 calorie day but I think I might start 'banking' unconsumed calories so I can go slightly over on lower calorie days if need be so I am going to try and eat as little as I can possibly get away with tomorrow. Although I am still unsure of whether to do this, I am not sure if it is a good idea. I was seeing what days of the week I would have what calorie limits so I can plan a bit ahead and looking at it most of the lowest calorie days and fasts are at the weekends and when I spend most of my time with the family. I have absolutely no idea what sort of excuses I am going to have to think up now :/ So if anybody has any really good ideas that always works for them please comment :)

Stay strong x

ABC Day Three - Fail

Inside I think that I knew I would fail today. As badly as I wanted to do well and succeed I think I was set up to fail. I'm just not strong enough. I'm weak. The day had started off well, I was at 116.4 lbs, but the further throughout the day I got the more the urge to binge increased. And after mum insisted I had pizza for tea everything just went downhill. I am sure to have put on about ten pounds by tomorrow morning.

You know it's weird twelve months ago I wouldn't have understood the real reasons why anybody would want to starve or harm themselves in any way, but right now it's different. I get it. I understand the need to feel thin, to starve yourself, the power you feel when you are hungry and refuse food and extra calories. The way no matter how many pounds you lose you still feel incomplete, not good enough and a failure. The panic and helplessness you feel when you are made to eat and don't know the calorie content of a food. The self hatred for yourself when you binge even though you know you will regret it later and the desperate need to throw it all back up to feel like you have gained some control.

This is what it is like now. I have forgotten what it is like to eat 'normally' and to not be thinking of food every second of the day. It has become an obsession of mine , something that gets me from one day to the next.

I just want to sit here and cry but I know that would make me weaker. I desperately need to gain some control over myself.

I have decided to start the ABC diet again and will start tomorrow and I am going to use that idea I said yesterday about banking any calories I have not eaten. If anybody wants to join me then feel free.

Stay strong x

ABC Day Two

Second day of ABC was just as successful as the first : ) I ate 500 calories exactly today. It could have been much less if it wasn't for mum!

Totally panicking about tomorrow, I really don't know if I will manage to stay under 300 calories with my mum breathing down my neck every five minutes. I am struggling to think of different ways out of not eating what the rest of the family is. This will not put me off though, I need to see good results when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

I read on another blog that you can bank the calories you don't consume on higher calorie days and save them for fasts and low calorie days. I might do this, I haven't completely decided yet.

Stay strong x

ABC Day One

Just a short post today, so tired and need my sleep! Decided I am definitely doing the ABC diet now : )

Today went well I stayed at 494 calories, which was very close but I resisted temptation to eat everything. I am not sure how I will do on fasting days or the 100 calorie days because I am almost positive mum will make me eat something. :/

I am definitely going to try and do it though. This is the most motivated I have felt to do something in about a week.

I went gym today as well and burnt off 380 calories, which wasn't too bad considering lack of energy. I will weigh myself Saturday and post the results later that day.

x x

Fat

Well I can honestly say that the past two days have been a complete fail! I stuck so carefully to my calories throughout both days until the evening and then I binged on everything in sight :O And to top it all off I completely messed up my Physics exam. :/

I am so disappointed in myself, I am pathetic. I know I can do better than this, I must do better than this. Today I have been contemplating starting the ABC diet so my calorie allowances are already planned out and I know what I must stick to. I'm not sure if it is a good idea because of mum and whether she makes me eat so I may end up braking the diet before I have even started. But it is definitely worth a go and I like a challenge :)

For anybody who doesn't know what the ABC diet is it looks like this:

1: 500 calories (or less)
2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

Hopefully I can stick to it. Anybody that wants to join in is welcome to. Good luck and stay strong x x

Need Ideas.

I have a science exam on Wednesday and have hardly revised for it at all. Really need to start doing some revision otherwise I am certain to fail.

I haven't had any energy at all and Mum is really starting to do my head in about how much I do or don't eat. I know it is probably because she cares but I am honestly fine and she needn't worry at all.

I stayed at 330 calories today which I was really pleased with and didn't think I would be able to manage. I dread to think what I will have to eat tomorrow though :/ I need to think ahead because I can only imagine what Mum will make me eat if I don't think of something soon! If anybody has any ideas please let me know x x

Suspicious

Today was okay. The target amount of calories was 600 and I consumed 628 which isn't as bad as it could have been.

I haven't lost any weight from yesterday but after the amount I ate yesterday I'm not surprised.

I'm almost certain that Mum is getting more suspicious now, she asked me outright if I was on a diet today because I got myself a much smaller portion of tea than her and my sister.

It wasn't even a ridiculously small portion, I can't help it if they stuff themselves of food.

I don't know how much longer I am going to get away with it for, the thought of eating their sized portions scares me. :/

x x

Back To 119

Well I am back below 119, I weighed myself this morning and I was 117.4 lbs. I realised then that seeing the number decrease every day made me happier and much more determined to keep going.

I ate 505 calories yesterday which wasn't bad compared to today's 1015! :/ I always find the weekdays much easier to consume less calories when I am not with my family all the time, it's so much easier to say what you have already eaten then say you're not hungry or don't feel well.

I am very paranoid about my family finding out about how much I eat. I know that if they knew they would make me eat more but they wouldn't understand how counting every calorie and going to bed hungry makes me happy, it makes me feel in control, almost like I actually have a reason worth living for.

Tomorrows goal is going to be 600 calories : ) I MUST stick to it!

x x

More determined.

Well I was disappointed when I woke up and weighed myself to realise I was now 119.6 although I was definitely not surprised after several binges in the past week.

However, today was a much more successful day. I stayed just under 800 calories but tomorrow will be better, I'm determined to make it better. : ) I need to get back to 119 by then end of the week no matter what. x x

No Control.

I have absolutely no control whatsoever these past few days. Well I am fine until I start eating and then once I start I can't stop! I can't even step on the scales, I am scared of what they will tell me. Over the past two days I have undone all of my hard work from this year and now I just feel like a complete failure!!

I am determined to be thin. I will do it even if it kills me!

Tomorrow things are going to be different. I have decided to plan the amount of calories allowed for the rest of the week and I must stick to it no matter what. I will just have to think up excuses for why I can't eat certain foods. I can't be bothered to go to school tomorrow, I didn't go today either but I think I will still try and get out of it and just do any work that needs doing at home. There is less temptation of food at school but I have become so paranoid about things I don't really feel up to leaving the house especially looking like this.

I have literally just decided that I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and I will post what I weigh whether I want to or not. That will be my punishment. I might even post a picture of my body as motivation to get thin, it is repulsive. :/ x x

Good Day : )

No post yesterday. Felt awful! Mum made me eat spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread for dinner when I had already eaten quite a lot and from then on the whole night just went down hill and I completely binged. I couldn't even make myself sick because mum was at home.

Today was a much better day, I ate 185 calories before a good workout at the gym and when I got home I had a fruit salad to keep mum happy. I had an orange, an apple and some grapes. I feel much better after going to the gym today I love how it makes you feel when you have done loads. I ache all over but it feels good. Going to weigh myself tomorrow morning :/ Completely dreading it after that awful binge last night. I must have eaten my weight in food! Hopefully I burnt some of it off today. x x

Reached First Goal : )

Due to all the panicking I did yesterday I completely forgot to tell everyone that I reached my first goal weight! I was so happy when I stepped on the scales and realised, it made my day. Three pounds to go until I reach my next goal now : ) Originally I had planned to get to 119 lbs by the end of January as I wasn't sure how well I would do. There are 22 days left in January so I definitely hope to be at my next goal, 115 lbs, by then but I am going to try my hardest to get to 112 lbs. I weighed myself quickly again this morning and was at 118 lbs so only have 6 more to go if I want to get to 112 by the end of the month. That is about 2 lbs a week which I think I can do if I control what I eat carefully!

I managed to keep my calorie intake at 485 today despite the watchful eye of my mum. I still haven't figured out if she knows anything but I think I kept her mind at rest by having a small lunch and dinner, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I am running out of excuses as to why I don't want to eat the foods she is cooking for dinner :/ If anybody has any ideas please comment! x x

Too many questions!

I'm not sure but I think my family and friends might be starting to suspect something and keep watching what I am eating. I thought I was hiding it quite well but they just say these things that make me wonder if they know anything and they almost always jump down my throat if I even mention anything to do with weight or something like that even if I'm not talking about myself :/ I don't really know how to get them off my back and stop them from noticing what I eat without eating a massive calorie filled dinner which I am not prepared to do, especially after my major binge earlier in the week.

Maybe they haven't even noticed anything at all and it is just me panicking but I have no way of finding out without giving everything away either. Ah well, I will see how the weekend goes and keep you all updated. If anyone has any good ideas or tips on how to hide the amount of food consumed/weight loss from family and friends please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated :)

Anyway enough of that. Today I consumed just over 400 calories. I burnt a bit of it off on the wii fit but had to delete my account on there as I didn't realise it showed all users your BMI/weight and as I already have my suspicions that they suspect something I didn't think I should give them more reason to by letting everyone know my stats. x x

Quick Update

Today was a much better day than yesterday, I think the fact I got to the gym helped a lot and I feel so much more motivated. I managed to stay under 350 calories today and burnt off 400 calories in the gym plus whatever else I have burned off throughout the day : )

Anyway I best get to bed now, School in the morning! :( x x

Failure.

I have had the worst day ever. As if not making it to the gym was bad enough I couldn't stop the amount of food I put inside my fat grotesque body today. I feel disgusting I have no idea how much I ate but I feel sick and tried so so hard to make myself throw up, I wanted to get rid of everything I had put into my mouth, but I just couldn't my body just wouldn't let me and I cant even imagine the number the scales will come up with tomorrow morning.

I know it is not a good idea to get into this habit but I needed to, I needed to gain control and punish myself for being weak.

I feel such a failure. I thought I was getting over these feelings, I felt like I had them under control and now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't know what to do I cant go on feeling like this any more I just cant. I just want everything to stop. x x

Struggling

Today has been such a hard day to keep motivated. I ate 340 calories which was a little more than I wished I just found it so hard not to raid the cupboards and stuff my face :/ Luckily I stopped myself before it was too late and managed to gain some control over myself. I think it is one of those days today, I haven't done any exercise apart from walking to and back from school! I feel so angry and disappointed with myself.

I have also found it really difficult to keep my energy levels up, so if anybody has any tips or good ideas they would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

We are predicted quite a lot of snow overnight which has its advantages and disadvantages. I will more than likely be able to have the day of school if it gets deep but it also means I won't be able to get to the gym easily and I so desperately need to go tomorrow, I will find it so hard surrounded by all this food if we don't go. :/

Speak soon x x

First Day Back!

Surprisingly I had quite a good day today, I consumed just under 400 calories which would have been much less if mum hadn't pressured me into eating some garlic bread at tea, luckily I only had to eat one bit as I made out I didn't like the way it was cooked which I didn't anyway it was far too greasy but at least I got out of eating chips. : ) I think going back to the gym for the first time in about two weeks helped as well, its surprising how fresh a good workout can make you feel :D

School wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, wish the teachers would lay off a bit about all of the exams we have coming up though. Although I did get to catch up with everybody who I hadn't seen over the Christmas holidays.

Hope all is well for everyone else : ) Speak soon x x

Back To School Tomorrow (N)

I really can't be bothered to go back to school again this year, I am so far behind in all of my work some days it feels impossible to drag myself out of bed at quarter to seven in the morning. Everybody expects me to do so well and I feel like the more pressure that is put on me to do well by myself and others the more I seem to fail.

Anyway on a positive side going back to school means it is much easier to lie about what I am eating. I tell mum that I have bought food from the canteen at school for lunch and my best friend thinks I have had a big breakfast at home, which gets them both off of my case. : ) So if any of you are struggling with what to tell people that is a good idea.

Back at the gym tomorrow as well finally. It feels like ages since I last went and it is certainly showing as well :/ I am determined to go at least twice a week this year no matter what.

Speak soon x x

Post Christmas Weigh In!

I weighed myself today for the first time in about two weeks. I was dreading it so much because of the amount I have eaten over the Christmas holidays, I have been a complete pig and had no control whatsoever. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be in the end which was a bit of a consolation but I was still disgusted with myself! I have put on two pounds since I last weighed myself!

I kept myself busy today with all the school work I needed to catch up on so didn't feel the urge to eat much and when I did I was very careful of what I ate. I consumed just over 600 calories but did my fitness DVD to balance it out a bit more. I am determined to get to my goal weight of 119 pounds before the end of January. Anyway I best be off now, do some crunches before I go to bed : )

Speak to you all soon x x