Depression?

Well as you probably guessed the detox hasn't been working out that well for me.

I don't know what is wrong with me the past few days. Last year is happening all over again. I hate myself. When I look into the mirror I feel physically sick. I want to cry. I promised myself I wouldn't get like this again. I have cried myself to sleep all week. Sometimes I just want somebody to notice and help me. I can't go on like this any more. I don't want to be here but I know I wouldn't have the guts to do anything to myself. I think I have depression. I know when some people read this they may think I am exaggerating and being a drama queen but I thought I had it last year as well, I was just too scared to get help. Looking back over the last 18 months the only time I have been anywhere near truly happy is when I am starving myself.

And that is what I intend to start doing again, starting tomorrow. I will limit myself to 500 calories and start doing some more exercise. I need to start weighing myself again, I have been too scared recently as every time I seem to weigh myself it goes up.

Oh what I would give to be normal... but then again what is normal?!

Sorry for such a depressing post, Hope everyone is well, Stay strong x

Peanut Butter

Today was fairly good! I didn't find myself binging on anything and stuck to all of the guidelines of the detox, should have drank more water though, I have such a headache. I have read all of your blogs for a while and have noticed how several of you always say that peanut butter is your downfall but personally I have never liked the sound of it... Until today. Mum suggested I should try it and I didn't even like it at first but now I do and I kept eating it :/ Until I looked to see how many calories was in it that was! Think I am going to lay off the peanut butter for the near future.

Anyway didn't make it to the gym today, but am definitely going tomorrow before I go food shopping with mum.

Stay strong x

Detox

Okay so I keep going over on my original plan so it clearly isn't working and I fear that I may have put even more weight on :O I am going to start fresh tomorrow and instead of starting it on a Friday I thought it would make more sense to do it on a Monday at the beginning of the week. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning before I go to school and have decided that this week 22 Feb - 28 Feb) I will not count calories. I think this may be part of my downfall. However, fear not I am not going to just eat what I want to, there will still be limits. My mum was doing a two day detox over the weekend and I have decided that I am going to do it this week. It states that you can not eat any of the following;

• Coffee, tea or other caffeine drinks (including decaffeinated drinks)
• Dairy products
• Sugar, cakes, biscuits, confectionery
• Meat and fish
• Eggs
• Wheat bread, pasta, noodles, crackers
• White rice
• Ready meals
• Salt
• Alcohol
• Artificial food additives and sweeteners
• Fried foods
• Hydrogenated fats
• Fizzy drinks, squashes and cordials

Which means I can only really eat fruits and vegetables anyway. I think mum might be a bit funny with me when she finds out I am doing it for a week but some people never eat the above foods anyway. I am hoping that the detox will completely cleanse my system and stop me from craving foods that are so bad for you. I am also going to the gym tomorrow for the first time in over a week providing it doesn't snow too much. I'm quite looking forward to it.

Stay strong x

Quick Update

Today was an okay day. I'm not going to lie, I did go over the planned 800 calories but I am not going to panic or get annoyed over it. Obviously I would have liked to have done really well but if I beat myself up over it I will just end up eating even more food.

I weighed myself this morning as promised and am now 124.4lbs :/ I wanted to cry when I found out. But then I realised it was me that got myself to that weight so it must be me that loses it and I realise that it won't happen overnight as well. I am in for the long haul this time :)

By the end of the two weeks that I stated in the previous post (4 March) I would like to be at 120lbs. This seemed like a reasonable goal when I was thinking about it earlier and is just over 2lbs per week which I think I can do providing I exercise and stick to the plan!

Anyway it is really late here, or early... it depends how you look at it I suppose. And now I am rambling so I am off to bed.

Stay strong x

It's Been A While...

I know I haven't posted in a while and I would love to have a good reason for it, just as I would love to have a good reason for the vast amounts of food I have been eating recently. If I am honest I think the more food that I ate the easier it was for me to justify blocking out my feelings with eating more food. However, I went to a party Tuesday night and got a bit tipsy and it would take me ages to explain why I am motivated to lose weight again but basically I felt awful. I looked awful. Ugh I feel so disgusting and have put all that weight back on. I could sit here and cry all day about what I look like but I don't want to mope around feeling sorry for myself. I mean that wouldn't get the weight back off would it?!

Tomorrow is a new day. I am going to try and forget everything that I have eaten recently and try not to mention it again. I completely want a fresh start. I am going to weigh myself and record all of my measurements. I am not going to attempt any really low calorie diets such as the ABC or 2468 until after my birthday in March. Instead for this week until next Thursday (19 Feb - 25 Feb) I will stay under 800 calories but will be able to "bank" the calories, this means that any calories that I do not eat I will keep a note of them and if I go over I will just take it off the banked calories. I am hoping that this will prevent any binging. The week after (26 Feb - 4 Mar) will be similar, the limit will again be 800 calories, however this time I will not be banking calories.

I also need to start doing more exercise again. I am going to start going back to the gym and will try to go at least twice a week, however, sometimes this can be hard due to unforeseen weather conditions, such as the deep snow we have received over the past 24 hours, and exam revision. If I am unable to go to the gym at least twice a week I must do my fitness DVD in order to compensate for this.

I have not set any hard to achieve goals so it shouldn't be too hard to stick to the above. Tomorrow after I have weighed myself and written down my measurements I will think of some goals and maybe even rewards for when I have reached those goals as I have seen it mentioned on other blogs I have been reading and it seems to be working quite well for them.

I hope all is well for everybody, Stay strong x

2468 - Day 1 = Successful

Okay, well today went much better than expected, maybe I need to start believing in myself more and stop setting myself up to fail before I have even begun. The target was 800 calories which seemed like a lot compared to what I was eating before the binging but I thought I should start with the higher calories days and work my way down.

I managed to stay at 734 calories today, which wasn't as good as it could have been but at least I didn't go over for once!! I ate;

• Freddo - 95 kcal
• Milky Way - 98 kcal
• 6 Dark Ryvita - 186 kcal
• 2 Cheese Spread - 58 kcal
• 3 Butter Mints - 105 kcal
• 50g Chicken Breast - 80 kcal
• 16 Mini Breadsticks - 112 kcal

When I write it out like that it seems to be so much food, and I definitely need to start eating more fruit and vegetables. I think that should keep my calorie count down.

Tomorrow is the 600 calorie day which like today I think should be quite easy and I will try and weigh myself tomorrow morning before school. I only have tomorrow and the day after before I should be at 120lbs. I know I can do it if I put the effort in.

Stay strong x

New Start And New Goals

So I weighed myself this morning! It was just as I thought it would be, awful! I have gained every ounce of the weight I lost and put it all back on and have now gone back to 122.4lbs.

I refuse to stay like this for long though. Today (It is 01:00 in the morning here) is a new start. I am going to try and forget the binging and the excessive weight gain and start over completely. I am still doing the 2468 diet with today being the 800 calorie day. I can't plan many of my meals at the moment seeing as mum always cooks and expects me to eat it. However, I have a feeling I may be pressured to eat things by other people as to not raise any suspicions so if everything goes to plan I will have;

• Brown rice - 120kcals
• Chilli Sauce - 60kcals?
• Quavers - 87kcals
• Mullerlight yoghurt - 97kcals
• 3 Dark ryvita - 93kcals
• Cheese spread - 29kcals?

This is what I think I will have tomorrow, I can't be sure as I don't know if I will be made to eat anything else but if I am I have allowed for that as the above comes to a total of approximately 486kcals. This might be slightly different - I am unsure of the calorie content of two of the above as I can't remember them off of the top of my head but put a question mark next to them in case it is wrong!

I am also going to the gym tomorrow, for the first time in about a week so that should be good and I will be able to burn off some calories whilst I am there. I need to start getting back into the gym. Is it any wonder I have put on so much weight!!

Oh before I forget my goal weights - I have decided to set a date for the weight I want to be by that particular time and am going down in two's so it is smaller and I don't feel like I am failing by being so far off of each goal. I have only done 10lbs worth for now but it is as follows;

• Current weight - 122.4
• 120 - 10/02/2010
• 118 - 14/02/2010
• 116 - 19/02/2010
• 114 - 25/02/2010
• 112 - 05/03/2010

I will let you know as I reach each goal :)

Anyway I am off to bed now, Sorry if this post doesn't make much sense, I am really tired and have to be up by 7 for school :/ Oops

Stay strong x

Fresh Start :)

Well as promised I came up with a new plan today! Originally I was going to just set my own calorie restrictions but then I remembered the 2468 diet and thought I should give that a try! I thought it would be much easier for me to stick to than the ABC diet was as the calorie restrictions are not as low on most days unlike the ABC and I thought I would be less likely to binge as well

So after two weeks of on off binging and restricting I decided on my next plan :) This plan will start on Monday. I will weigh myself Sunday morning and write all of my measurements down before I eat or do anything else. I am going to make sure I do part of my exercise DVD as well and will then keep myself busy throughout the week by doing all my school work that needs to be done before half term! I have decided to start on Monday with 800 calories -- I thought it would be best to ease myself into it after all the food I have eaten recently. The week ahead goes as follows:

• Monday 8 - 800
• Tuesday 9 - 600
• Wednesday 10 - 400
• Thursday 11 - 200
• Friday 12 - 400
• Saturday 13 - 600
• Sunday - 800

I think it should be easy to stick to and the lower calorie days are during the week which is much easier to do because the family doesn't see what I eat throughout the day so I can usually make it up :) Although we do break up for half term on Thursday so that should be interesting :/ Hopefully mum is working during our week off so she shouldn't be on at me all the time!

Anyway I will post current weight and goal weights tomorrow evening after what should have been a successful day! :D

Stay strong x

Can't Think Of A Title :/

I couldn't fast today, I didn't have the strength. Although what I did eat was a vast improvement on what it has been lately. This is what I had today:

• Mullerlight toffee yoghurt - 97 kcals
• Tesco light choices vegetable cup a soup - 63 kcals
• Tesco light choices vegetable cup a soup - 63 kcals
• Sugar free strawberry jelly - 32 kcals

I know that I went 5 calories over the limit I said I would but I have literally only just realised. Clearly I am not very good at adding up so I will just take 5 calories off of the maximum for tomorrow leaving me with 495 calories! Hopefully I will be able to stick to it! Friday is going to be a complete fail no matter what so I have decided not to have a calorie restriction as I don't want to feel like I have failed and have a major binge like the last few times. I will simply start restricting again on Saturday.

Unfortunately I couldn't weigh myself this morning either, got up too late for school and Mum gets funny if she sees me take the scales to weigh myself so I am going to weigh myself in a minute and then again in the morning and will post the results tomorrow night.

Stay strong x x

No Posts - Excessive Binges

I haven't posted anything in a while and if I am honest it is because I am ashamed to tell you all how much I have actually been eating. I feel like the moment I start doing well I subconsciously start to think that it doesn't matter if I eat. But I am wrong, it DOES matter. I am too scared to weigh myself. I have eaten so much in the last week that I wouldn't be surprised if I had put 20 pounds on. Such a failure.

I felt really ill today so didn't go to school but wish I had. When I am at home all I do is eat and eat and eat some more. I need to put a stop to it. Tomorrow will be different. I will make sure of it. I have a party to go to on Friday and I sure as hell can't go looking like I do now.

I am going to try and fast tomorrow but if I have to eat something I will have no more than 250 calories. On Thursday I will have no more than 500 calories. Friday I think I may have to eat but I will try and stay under 1000 calories. On Saturday I will plan out different calorie restrictions for different days. I have decided to leave the ABC diet until after my birthday in March because I always seem to binge on the third day so ABC will start again on April 1st unless I have worked something else out by then.

I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and will post the damage I have done later that day :/ I will then post appropriate goal weights for certain days seeing as I failed January!

I hope everybody else is doing well, Stay strong x x