New Plan

I think part of me has given up now, I'm sick of putting a smile on my face everyday pretending I'm okay when I'm not. I'm pathetic, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm sorry for being such a downer when most of you seem to be doing so well.

Anyway, I have a new plan. I got this idea from somebody else's blog and if I remember which one I will make sure I mention their blog name or create a link to it or if you read this and realise it is you just let me know  :)
On Monday 22 March I am going to start a new ABC diet but am going to do a higher calorie version. Instead of the original plan I am simply going to add 300 calories every single day. I will post what this will look like nearer the time and when I have a moment to do it. I just seem to be really busy this week catching up on work I should have done ages ago.  :/

I will try and weigh myself some time this week as well, unless I break the scales with my ridiculously obese body.

Stay strong, Hope everyone is okay   xx

Changes To Blog Layout

Hi again. Really can't sleep at the moment so I have decided to change the layout of my blog and add a few things  :)     I have been meaning to do it for ages but haven't really found the time.

So far I have changed the "skin" of my blog, added a picture at the top and created a new page for thinspo picture which can be found at the top of my blog. I have added some pictures so far but keep checking back over the next few days and I will try and add some more  :)

Hope everyone is doing okay  x

Sorry For Such A Depressing Post

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while. Again.

Sometimes I find it so hard to write about the way I am feeling and what I have been doing. This week has been one of the most difficult and complicated of my life.
I don't think I have written this on here before but basically last year I found out some things about my family and it hurt me so much mentally. Yes, I probably made a bigger deal out of it than what it was, but for me I felt completely let down and didn't know how to cope. This plus everything else that I let build up inside me left me feeling lost, angry and so isolated from everyone else around me.
I looked in the mirror and felt physically repulsed. I went to sleep at night hoping that I wouldn't wake up again in the morning. When I did I wished I hadn't and didn't want to get out of bed and face the world.
For me getting up every morning and living my life like nothing was wrong and acting as if I wasn't hurting and struggling to cope inside was the biggest struggle of all. I thought about ending things several times although never attempted it. I found the emotions of that so hard to deal with and felt guilty about it.

This went on for about six months before I finally told somebody, my best friend. I don't think she understood, I don't blame her for that, it was my fault for telling her and I feel awful for dumping something like that on her. I'm not sure how much she understood of what I was trying to tell her we never really spoke about it after that. I told a couple of other people at the beginning of this year but was hurt by one persons reaction and struggled to deal with it.

The feelings I had from last year slowly started to come back and built up and built up and I finally cracked Monday night. I had an argument with mum and went upstairs and sat against my door and just cried so hard. I considered hanging myself with a belt I had. I don't know if it would have worked but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just kept thinking about what would happen when somebody found me, I couldn't do that to them. Instead I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and started cutting at my fingers. I only made a small cut on my thumb but I felt calmer and just slept after that. The feelings I had Monday night carried themselves into Tuesday and I completely broke down at school in front of everybody. Looking back I am so embarrassed, god knows what all the teachers must think of me, but they all seemed to dismiss me, it was like none of them cared. All I wanted was for someone to take me to another room and help me make sense of everything, I think deep down that is all I have ever wanted when I have told people.
Since then I have started cutting myself almost every night. Some of you may do it yourselves and understand and some of you may not and probably think I am attention seeking or something. But it helps me, although you should all know that I am not proud of this, I just feel like it is the only way I can carry on my life every day. They're not deep cuts but it helps me deal with my feelings and in a way I guess it serves as a punishment for how selfish I am being.


Sorry for such a depressing post. I guess I am just trying to get somebody to understand me more  :/  I don't know any more.

Anyway it is my birthday soon, I really can't be bothered to celebrate it, I hate my birthday so much. But I have decided the Monday after my birthday, which is the 22nd March I think,  I am going to start dieting properly again. It makes more sense to be after my birthday as we are going out for meals and that. I am thinking of doing the ABC again but might change the calorie restrictions so they are a bit higher. I will try and post again tomorrow and tell you more about it because I think this post is long enough as it is. Sorry again.

Stay strong   x

Downhill again

I haven't posted in a few days but to sum it up quickly. Friday was good and I completely stuck to my plan, and then the weekend happened...

I really do not know what it is with the weekend and why I always fail then. I was good throughout the most of Saturday despite eating more than I should have but I didn't binge until late in the evening. I had been babysitting and knew I should have just gone straight to bed but I didn't and I didn't eat as much as I normally would when I binged but add that to the food I had already consumed and the results were disastrous. Today was very similar but the binge was at the beginning of the day instead not that that makes much difference to be honest.

Now I have weighed myself every morning since Monday so far and kept track of it, this is the weight I lost:

Monday - 128.4 (Start weight)

Tuesday - 127.6

Wednesday - 126.6

Thursday - 125.4

Friday - 124.2

Saturday - 124.2

Sunday - 125.6

As you can see by my results the binge from Saturday shows, just as I am sure it will when I weigh myself tomorrow morning. I am slightly disappointed with myself over that weight gain despite losing a total of 2.8 pounds. Hopefully I will loose just as much this week as well.

Tomorrow I plan to start where I started to go downhill at 1100 calories decreasing the number by 50 calories each day. As long as everything goes to plan and I don't have to redo a day by Sunday I should be at 800 calories. I have decided though that if I go over the limit of a certain day I am to redo that day until I get it right. I am feeling positive about tomorrow and will keep those who take the time to read my blog updated.

Hope everyone is doing well. Stay strong x

In A Rush

I wanted an early night again tonight but got caught up doing all the things I needed to do such as revision for my exam later this month and catching up on everybody's blogs. I love reading them to see how everybody is doing and although I don't tend to comment I find it really comforting to know that there are other people that know what I am going through and understand. I will try to make an effort to comment when I am not so busy though.

I met my target of 1150 calories again today and stayed at 1120. Also whilst I haven't been going to the gym much recently, this week I have started doing exercise in my bedroom. Not much mind you but I am getting there and still losing weight. I hope to have lost some more tomorrow :) I haven't really found decreasing my food intake that difficult, I know that it could be due to the steady decrease in daily calories but I really haven't felt much like eating and would have stayed at around 500 calories today if I hadn't have started shaking so much. I think it has something to do with all of the stress from my exams.

I will try and keep everyone updated, hope everyone is well :)

Stay strong x

Things Are Looking Up

Woo! I finally got my calorie intake under 1200. It was close at 1150 but at least I did it :) Tomorrow I plan to 1150 as the maximum amount! I have decided to decrease it by 50 calories each day until I get to 800 calories a day now. Hopefully that way I shouldn't feel as deprived! I believe things are starting to look up now :)

I have weighed myself every day so far since Monday and plan to do so until the end of the week (Sunday). I have written all of the weights down and can say that I am loosing weight each day so far and will reveal the end weights at the end of the week when I shall re-evaluate my goals.

The exams from the past couple of days have left me feeling very stressed out and I haven't really thought about food that much today. However, I don't have any more now for about another three weeks luckily. Although, school photos are tomorrow :( I look awful and absolutely hate having my photo taken, especially school ones!

Stay strong x

Exam Stress

Really quick post tonight. I have another exam tomorrow and this one is first thing in the morning so should have really got an early night but I lost track of time catching up on everybody's blogs. :)

Anyway as promised I went to the gym for the first time in ages today. It felt really good but I couldn't stay long as I had so much revision to do. I stayed at 1486 calories today which was still over what I had planned but is also an improvement on yesterdays 1650. Tomorrow I plan to do 1200 again but I hope to be able to stick to it this time.

Best be off now. Grr I hate exams, they are so stressful.

Stay strong x

FAT.

Firstly I would like to apologise for my previous post :/ I was feeling utterly awful and probably shouldn't have said anything at all...

However, that is in the past now. Today is the start of a new week and month so I thought what better day to start over. Admittedly today didn't go according to plan but it never does these days. I was in a crap mood the moment I weighed myself... 128.4 :O

I knew I had put on weight but that is more than what I weighed at the beginning of the year. My birthday is now in less than three weeks and I don't want to be fat on my birthday. I was planning to stay under 1200 calories today but like I said my plan sort of went out of the window. I ate 1650 calories in the end which I know is loads but looking on the bright side I didn't have a major binge or breakdown and it is much better than what I have had in previous weeks.

Tomorrow I plan to stay under 1200 and I am finally hitting the gym again. I know anyone that reads my blog probably thinks 'Yeah right she always says that' but I will genuinely go tomorrow unless I get hit by a bus or something. :/

I also have a maths exam tomorrow which I am completely dreading and a biology one on Wednesday which I will be busy revising for tomorrow night. Going to fail without a doubt!

Anyway bed time I think, Stay strong and keep up the hard work x

Depression?

Well as you probably guessed the detox hasn't been working out that well for me.

I don't know what is wrong with me the past few days. Last year is happening all over again. I hate myself. When I look into the mirror I feel physically sick. I want to cry. I promised myself I wouldn't get like this again. I have cried myself to sleep all week. Sometimes I just want somebody to notice and help me. I can't go on like this any more. I don't want to be here but I know I wouldn't have the guts to do anything to myself. I think I have depression. I know when some people read this they may think I am exaggerating and being a drama queen but I thought I had it last year as well, I was just too scared to get help. Looking back over the last 18 months the only time I have been anywhere near truly happy is when I am starving myself.

And that is what I intend to start doing again, starting tomorrow. I will limit myself to 500 calories and start doing some more exercise. I need to start weighing myself again, I have been too scared recently as every time I seem to weigh myself it goes up.

Oh what I would give to be normal... but then again what is normal?!

Sorry for such a depressing post, Hope everyone is well, Stay strong x

Peanut Butter

Today was fairly good! I didn't find myself binging on anything and stuck to all of the guidelines of the detox, should have drank more water though, I have such a headache. I have read all of your blogs for a while and have noticed how several of you always say that peanut butter is your downfall but personally I have never liked the sound of it... Until today. Mum suggested I should try it and I didn't even like it at first but now I do and I kept eating it :/ Until I looked to see how many calories was in it that was! Think I am going to lay off the peanut butter for the near future.

Anyway didn't make it to the gym today, but am definitely going tomorrow before I go food shopping with mum.

Stay strong x