Sorry For Such A Depressing Post

Sorry that I haven't posted in a while. Again.

Sometimes I find it so hard to write about the way I am feeling and what I have been doing. This week has been one of the most difficult and complicated of my life.
I don't think I have written this on here before but basically last year I found out some things about my family and it hurt me so much mentally. Yes, I probably made a bigger deal out of it than what it was, but for me I felt completely let down and didn't know how to cope. This plus everything else that I let build up inside me left me feeling lost, angry and so isolated from everyone else around me.
I looked in the mirror and felt physically repulsed. I went to sleep at night hoping that I wouldn't wake up again in the morning. When I did I wished I hadn't and didn't want to get out of bed and face the world.
For me getting up every morning and living my life like nothing was wrong and acting as if I wasn't hurting and struggling to cope inside was the biggest struggle of all. I thought about ending things several times although never attempted it. I found the emotions of that so hard to deal with and felt guilty about it.

This went on for about six months before I finally told somebody, my best friend. I don't think she understood, I don't blame her for that, it was my fault for telling her and I feel awful for dumping something like that on her. I'm not sure how much she understood of what I was trying to tell her we never really spoke about it after that. I told a couple of other people at the beginning of this year but was hurt by one persons reaction and struggled to deal with it.

The feelings I had from last year slowly started to come back and built up and built up and I finally cracked Monday night. I had an argument with mum and went upstairs and sat against my door and just cried so hard. I considered hanging myself with a belt I had. I don't know if it would have worked but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just kept thinking about what would happen when somebody found me, I couldn't do that to them. Instead I grabbed the nearest pair of scissors and started cutting at my fingers. I only made a small cut on my thumb but I felt calmer and just slept after that. The feelings I had Monday night carried themselves into Tuesday and I completely broke down at school in front of everybody. Looking back I am so embarrassed, god knows what all the teachers must think of me, but they all seemed to dismiss me, it was like none of them cared. All I wanted was for someone to take me to another room and help me make sense of everything, I think deep down that is all I have ever wanted when I have told people.
Since then I have started cutting myself almost every night. Some of you may do it yourselves and understand and some of you may not and probably think I am attention seeking or something. But it helps me, although you should all know that I am not proud of this, I just feel like it is the only way I can carry on my life every day. They're not deep cuts but it helps me deal with my feelings and in a way I guess it serves as a punishment for how selfish I am being.


Sorry for such a depressing post. I guess I am just trying to get somebody to understand me more  :/  I don't know any more.

Anyway it is my birthday soon, I really can't be bothered to celebrate it, I hate my birthday so much. But I have decided the Monday after my birthday, which is the 22nd March I think,  I am going to start dieting properly again. It makes more sense to be after my birthday as we are going out for meals and that. I am thinking of doing the ABC again but might change the calorie restrictions so they are a bit higher. I will try and post again tomorrow and tell you more about it because I think this post is long enough as it is. Sorry again.

Stay strong   x