ABC 2 - Day Two

I am quite pleased with today, I managed to stay under 500 calories (just), it was approximately 498 calories but I was unable to count the calories precisely today as I was pressured to eat chips at lunch and didn't want to cause problems by saying no. I know that is no excuse though, but I didn't eat many and used my highest estimate of calorific content of what I thought it could have been. This is what I ate today:

• 1/4 tray (12) chips - 150 kcal
• Brown rice - 120 kcal
• Chilli sauce - 44 kcal
• Sugar free jelly - 32 kcal
• Caramel snack a jack - 51 kcal
• 45g brown bread - 95 kcal

Tomorrow is the 300 calorie day which should be okay, I just need to plan dinner ahead so I can think up my excuses and know what to or what not to eat throughout the rest of the day. Thinking about it now I think I will skip food all day and then just have dinner so it looks like I am eating more than I am. Might stop Mum moaning for a bit hopefully :)

I also have a major problem with next Fridays calorie restriction. I am meant to have the first fast in the fifty days of ABC. However, we have a party that night and I am getting ready round a friends house with others and they want to drink and eat pizza and chips. I have absolutely no idea how I am going to get out of that one. I might have to switch the days around or something like that otherwise I am going to fail without a doubt :/

Stay strong x

ABC 2 - Day One

Well I didn't start the ABC diet at the weekend again as I said I would, I binged instead :O

I was disgusted with my fat self. But have gained the control back and am pleased to say I stuck to it completely and consumed 291 calories. I had:

• Brown Rice - 120 kcal
• Chilli sauce - 40 kcal
• 12 grapes - 25 kcal
• 10g cheese - 42 kcal
• Clementine - 56 kcal
• 50g cucumber - 8 kcal

Tomorrow is another 500 calorie day but I think I might start 'banking' unconsumed calories so I can go slightly over on lower calorie days if need be so I am going to try and eat as little as I can possibly get away with tomorrow. Although I am still unsure of whether to do this, I am not sure if it is a good idea. I was seeing what days of the week I would have what calorie limits so I can plan a bit ahead and looking at it most of the lowest calorie days and fasts are at the weekends and when I spend most of my time with the family. I have absolutely no idea what sort of excuses I am going to have to think up now :/ So if anybody has any really good ideas that always works for them please comment :)

Stay strong x

ABC Day Three - Fail

Inside I think that I knew I would fail today. As badly as I wanted to do well and succeed I think I was set up to fail. I'm just not strong enough. I'm weak. The day had started off well, I was at 116.4 lbs, but the further throughout the day I got the more the urge to binge increased. And after mum insisted I had pizza for tea everything just went downhill. I am sure to have put on about ten pounds by tomorrow morning.

You know it's weird twelve months ago I wouldn't have understood the real reasons why anybody would want to starve or harm themselves in any way, but right now it's different. I get it. I understand the need to feel thin, to starve yourself, the power you feel when you are hungry and refuse food and extra calories. The way no matter how many pounds you lose you still feel incomplete, not good enough and a failure. The panic and helplessness you feel when you are made to eat and don't know the calorie content of a food. The self hatred for yourself when you binge even though you know you will regret it later and the desperate need to throw it all back up to feel like you have gained some control.

This is what it is like now. I have forgotten what it is like to eat 'normally' and to not be thinking of food every second of the day. It has become an obsession of mine , something that gets me from one day to the next.

I just want to sit here and cry but I know that would make me weaker. I desperately need to gain some control over myself.

I have decided to start the ABC diet again and will start tomorrow and I am going to use that idea I said yesterday about banking any calories I have not eaten. If anybody wants to join me then feel free.

Stay strong x

ABC Day Two

Second day of ABC was just as successful as the first : ) I ate 500 calories exactly today. It could have been much less if it wasn't for mum!

Totally panicking about tomorrow, I really don't know if I will manage to stay under 300 calories with my mum breathing down my neck every five minutes. I am struggling to think of different ways out of not eating what the rest of the family is. This will not put me off though, I need to see good results when I weigh myself tomorrow morning.

I read on another blog that you can bank the calories you don't consume on higher calorie days and save them for fasts and low calorie days. I might do this, I haven't completely decided yet.

Stay strong x

ABC Day One

Just a short post today, so tired and need my sleep! Decided I am definitely doing the ABC diet now : )

Today went well I stayed at 494 calories, which was very close but I resisted temptation to eat everything. I am not sure how I will do on fasting days or the 100 calorie days because I am almost positive mum will make me eat something. :/

I am definitely going to try and do it though. This is the most motivated I have felt to do something in about a week.

I went gym today as well and burnt off 380 calories, which wasn't too bad considering lack of energy. I will weigh myself Saturday and post the results later that day.

x x

Fat

Well I can honestly say that the past two days have been a complete fail! I stuck so carefully to my calories throughout both days until the evening and then I binged on everything in sight :O And to top it all off I completely messed up my Physics exam. :/

I am so disappointed in myself, I am pathetic. I know I can do better than this, I must do better than this. Today I have been contemplating starting the ABC diet so my calorie allowances are already planned out and I know what I must stick to. I'm not sure if it is a good idea because of mum and whether she makes me eat so I may end up braking the diet before I have even started. But it is definitely worth a go and I like a challenge :)

For anybody who doesn't know what the ABC diet is it looks like this:

1: 500 calories (or less)
2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast

Hopefully I can stick to it. Anybody that wants to join in is welcome to. Good luck and stay strong x x

Need Ideas.

I have a science exam on Wednesday and have hardly revised for it at all. Really need to start doing some revision otherwise I am certain to fail.

I haven't had any energy at all and Mum is really starting to do my head in about how much I do or don't eat. I know it is probably because she cares but I am honestly fine and she needn't worry at all.

I stayed at 330 calories today which I was really pleased with and didn't think I would be able to manage. I dread to think what I will have to eat tomorrow though :/ I need to think ahead because I can only imagine what Mum will make me eat if I don't think of something soon! If anybody has any ideas please let me know x x

Suspicious

Today was okay. The target amount of calories was 600 and I consumed 628 which isn't as bad as it could have been.

I haven't lost any weight from yesterday but after the amount I ate yesterday I'm not surprised.

I'm almost certain that Mum is getting more suspicious now, she asked me outright if I was on a diet today because I got myself a much smaller portion of tea than her and my sister.

It wasn't even a ridiculously small portion, I can't help it if they stuff themselves of food.

I don't know how much longer I am going to get away with it for, the thought of eating their sized portions scares me. :/

x x

Back To 119

Well I am back below 119, I weighed myself this morning and I was 117.4 lbs. I realised then that seeing the number decrease every day made me happier and much more determined to keep going.

I ate 505 calories yesterday which wasn't bad compared to today's 1015! :/ I always find the weekdays much easier to consume less calories when I am not with my family all the time, it's so much easier to say what you have already eaten then say you're not hungry or don't feel well.

I am very paranoid about my family finding out about how much I eat. I know that if they knew they would make me eat more but they wouldn't understand how counting every calorie and going to bed hungry makes me happy, it makes me feel in control, almost like I actually have a reason worth living for.

Tomorrows goal is going to be 600 calories : ) I MUST stick to it!

x x

More determined.

Well I was disappointed when I woke up and weighed myself to realise I was now 119.6 although I was definitely not surprised after several binges in the past week.

However, today was a much more successful day. I stayed just under 800 calories but tomorrow will be better, I'm determined to make it better. : ) I need to get back to 119 by then end of the week no matter what. x x

No Control.

I have absolutely no control whatsoever these past few days. Well I am fine until I start eating and then once I start I can't stop! I can't even step on the scales, I am scared of what they will tell me. Over the past two days I have undone all of my hard work from this year and now I just feel like a complete failure!!

I am determined to be thin. I will do it even if it kills me!

Tomorrow things are going to be different. I have decided to plan the amount of calories allowed for the rest of the week and I must stick to it no matter what. I will just have to think up excuses for why I can't eat certain foods. I can't be bothered to go to school tomorrow, I didn't go today either but I think I will still try and get out of it and just do any work that needs doing at home. There is less temptation of food at school but I have become so paranoid about things I don't really feel up to leaving the house especially looking like this.

I have literally just decided that I am going to weigh myself tomorrow morning and I will post what I weigh whether I want to or not. That will be my punishment. I might even post a picture of my body as motivation to get thin, it is repulsive. :/ x x

Good Day : )

No post yesterday. Felt awful! Mum made me eat spaghetti bolognese and garlic bread for dinner when I had already eaten quite a lot and from then on the whole night just went down hill and I completely binged. I couldn't even make myself sick because mum was at home.

Today was a much better day, I ate 185 calories before a good workout at the gym and when I got home I had a fruit salad to keep mum happy. I had an orange, an apple and some grapes. I feel much better after going to the gym today I love how it makes you feel when you have done loads. I ache all over but it feels good. Going to weigh myself tomorrow morning :/ Completely dreading it after that awful binge last night. I must have eaten my weight in food! Hopefully I burnt some of it off today. x x

Reached First Goal : )

Due to all the panicking I did yesterday I completely forgot to tell everyone that I reached my first goal weight! I was so happy when I stepped on the scales and realised, it made my day. Three pounds to go until I reach my next goal now : ) Originally I had planned to get to 119 lbs by the end of January as I wasn't sure how well I would do. There are 22 days left in January so I definitely hope to be at my next goal, 115 lbs, by then but I am going to try my hardest to get to 112 lbs. I weighed myself quickly again this morning and was at 118 lbs so only have 6 more to go if I want to get to 112 by the end of the month. That is about 2 lbs a week which I think I can do if I control what I eat carefully!

I managed to keep my calorie intake at 485 today despite the watchful eye of my mum. I still haven't figured out if she knows anything but I think I kept her mind at rest by having a small lunch and dinner, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! I am running out of excuses as to why I don't want to eat the foods she is cooking for dinner :/ If anybody has any ideas please comment! x x

Too many questions!

I'm not sure but I think my family and friends might be starting to suspect something and keep watching what I am eating. I thought I was hiding it quite well but they just say these things that make me wonder if they know anything and they almost always jump down my throat if I even mention anything to do with weight or something like that even if I'm not talking about myself :/ I don't really know how to get them off my back and stop them from noticing what I eat without eating a massive calorie filled dinner which I am not prepared to do, especially after my major binge earlier in the week.

Maybe they haven't even noticed anything at all and it is just me panicking but I have no way of finding out without giving everything away either. Ah well, I will see how the weekend goes and keep you all updated. If anyone has any good ideas or tips on how to hide the amount of food consumed/weight loss from family and friends please let me know. It would be greatly appreciated :)

Anyway enough of that. Today I consumed just over 400 calories. I burnt a bit of it off on the wii fit but had to delete my account on there as I didn't realise it showed all users your BMI/weight and as I already have my suspicions that they suspect something I didn't think I should give them more reason to by letting everyone know my stats. x x

Quick Update

Today was a much better day than yesterday, I think the fact I got to the gym helped a lot and I feel so much more motivated. I managed to stay under 350 calories today and burnt off 400 calories in the gym plus whatever else I have burned off throughout the day : )

Anyway I best get to bed now, School in the morning! :( x x

Failure.

I have had the worst day ever. As if not making it to the gym was bad enough I couldn't stop the amount of food I put inside my fat grotesque body today. I feel disgusting I have no idea how much I ate but I feel sick and tried so so hard to make myself throw up, I wanted to get rid of everything I had put into my mouth, but I just couldn't my body just wouldn't let me and I cant even imagine the number the scales will come up with tomorrow morning.

I know it is not a good idea to get into this habit but I needed to, I needed to gain control and punish myself for being weak.

I feel such a failure. I thought I was getting over these feelings, I felt like I had them under control and now I feel like I am back at square one. I don't know what to do I cant go on feeling like this any more I just cant. I just want everything to stop. x x

Struggling

Today has been such a hard day to keep motivated. I ate 340 calories which was a little more than I wished I just found it so hard not to raid the cupboards and stuff my face :/ Luckily I stopped myself before it was too late and managed to gain some control over myself. I think it is one of those days today, I haven't done any exercise apart from walking to and back from school! I feel so angry and disappointed with myself.

I have also found it really difficult to keep my energy levels up, so if anybody has any tips or good ideas they would be greatly appreciated, thanks.

We are predicted quite a lot of snow overnight which has its advantages and disadvantages. I will more than likely be able to have the day of school if it gets deep but it also means I won't be able to get to the gym easily and I so desperately need to go tomorrow, I will find it so hard surrounded by all this food if we don't go. :/

Speak soon x x

First Day Back!

Surprisingly I had quite a good day today, I consumed just under 400 calories which would have been much less if mum hadn't pressured me into eating some garlic bread at tea, luckily I only had to eat one bit as I made out I didn't like the way it was cooked which I didn't anyway it was far too greasy but at least I got out of eating chips. : ) I think going back to the gym for the first time in about two weeks helped as well, its surprising how fresh a good workout can make you feel :D

School wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, wish the teachers would lay off a bit about all of the exams we have coming up though. Although I did get to catch up with everybody who I hadn't seen over the Christmas holidays.

Hope all is well for everyone else : ) Speak soon x x

Back To School Tomorrow (N)

I really can't be bothered to go back to school again this year, I am so far behind in all of my work some days it feels impossible to drag myself out of bed at quarter to seven in the morning. Everybody expects me to do so well and I feel like the more pressure that is put on me to do well by myself and others the more I seem to fail.

Anyway on a positive side going back to school means it is much easier to lie about what I am eating. I tell mum that I have bought food from the canteen at school for lunch and my best friend thinks I have had a big breakfast at home, which gets them both off of my case. : ) So if any of you are struggling with what to tell people that is a good idea.

Back at the gym tomorrow as well finally. It feels like ages since I last went and it is certainly showing as well :/ I am determined to go at least twice a week this year no matter what.

Speak soon x x

Post Christmas Weigh In!

I weighed myself today for the first time in about two weeks. I was dreading it so much because of the amount I have eaten over the Christmas holidays, I have been a complete pig and had no control whatsoever. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be in the end which was a bit of a consolation but I was still disgusted with myself! I have put on two pounds since I last weighed myself!

I kept myself busy today with all the school work I needed to catch up on so didn't feel the urge to eat much and when I did I was very careful of what I ate. I consumed just over 600 calories but did my fitness DVD to balance it out a bit more. I am determined to get to my goal weight of 119 pounds before the end of January. Anyway I best be off now, do some crunches before I go to bed : )

Speak to you all soon x x

New Year, New Start!

For me 2009 was a bad year. So as predictable as this sounds I really want 2010 to be different. I never usually make any New Year resolutions as I don't normally see the point because everybody breaks them. However, I have decided that this year I will make some and try my best to achieve them. My main resolution is of course to lose weight but we will see how that goes "/

A quick picture to keep you all going : )

Hope everybody has a good year, Speak soon x x